today carol died. i am only posting this for one person i don't talk to... i am completely heart broken over this!

jumbled messy update!

so turns out all those times i freaked out because i thought i was pregnant were a waste of time... it is highly unlikely that will be part of my future. I am trying my best to come to terms with it but it is one of those things that is super hard because i never thought that would be me... its okay though ill just be the best mom i can be to sage and get lots of animals and be the crazy animal lady!! I'm already half way there though, with the dog and the guinea pig.
    we had to put Iggy down last week... seriously the hardest thing Neal and I have ever had to do! I am so glad i have such a great strong husband to lean on!
   i am loving my job i work with Jesse at IMS, i do QA. it works really well around our sage schedule. speaking of sage she is getting so big!! she is going to be 4 at the end of this month!! i cant believe how fast she has grown! she now loves all things barbies and comes up with the craziest stories! she is so perfect!!
   sorry this is such a jumbled mess of thoughts but that is my mind right now!

well fuck you too...

i am so applauded by the choices that the LDS church has made. i can honestly say i have never believed that some men ( and only men..) talked to god with like a direct call... um no.. well they decided that god said, "gays and their kids cant be a part of the church" .... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! this is insane to me!! i was always taught to love your family and not to judge one another now that is what the church is teaching.... my heart is so heavy for all of the gays this will hurt and the families it will tear apart!!! i will never raise my kids with hate, so i guess this religion is out....

marriage equality

(sorry this is so late)
      so the supreme court decided that marriage is now equal! i could not be happier about this if i tried!! as soon as i found out i broke down and cried, i knew that my children could grow up in a world where they would not know the difference between gay marriage and straight marriage. they would grow up in a world where they could love who ever the hell they want (and that is something Neal and i would support fully)!!! i will always remember June 26th 2015 as the day the marriage finally became equal.

so turns out i have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) don't know what it is..... well neither did i! so here is a little over view.....
        
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common endocrine system disorder among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have enlarged ovaries that contain small collections of fluid — called follicles — located in each ovary as seen during an ultrasound exam.
Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne, and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. In adolescents, infrequent or absent menstruation may raise suspicion for the condition.
The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Early diagnosis and treatment along with weight loss may reduce the risk of long-term complications, such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease

    yeah so this has been fun to try to understand... i am taking a pill that should help me with the symptoms and hopefully help me to be able to have kids....
   this has been so fucking hard for me! first off the pills KILL me i throw up all of the time!!! second off it is always on my mind am i going to be able to have kids?!?!?!
    i feel so bad for neal he is really the only one i have to talk to about this plus he has to deal with the crazy mood swings lol! i feel like this is making me depressed i feel like im in a black hole sometimes! i have no friends i have no job i am sick all of the time... is this what life is going to be for me? i just feel really lost right now...    sorry for the negative post!

my poor baby!

my poor puppy had a bump on her bum last week i noticed it on Wednesday night and called the vet first thing on Thursday morning so we took her in and she had one of her anal sacs rupture (gross i know) she was in a lot of pain (it only burst at the vet) after the vet left the room i cried a lot first off that vet office always brings back rough memories. second off kaci is my baby!!! neal and i got her when we were dating and she has been our lil baby ever since!! she is on antibiotics and pain meds for a week and that should fix it i am glad she is ok! she has been really sleepy and a little out of it because of the meds but is feeling a lot better!! ok sorry for the rant about my dog!!

yay

yay gay marriage is legal in utah and four other states!!!! wahooo!!!! we all knew this was going to happen! i am so overjoyed by this i am so excited for everyone to have what neal and i have... a chance to be married and do all the things married people do!!i am sure everyone will have their own opinion im just hoping everyone can stay nice!! including myself!!

the joys of being a stepmom

so sometimes being a step mom is really hard!! lately i have been having a really hard time with it!! so neals family has been doing this new thing where if anyone says anything about sage looking like me the freak out and say no no no she looks like neals sister.... it hits me a lot more then it should!!! is it so bad for her to look like me?!?!?! i am well aware that i am not her birth mom. do they really need to remind me so often... they have no idea what i go through day to day with having a little girl but not really having one.. its hard as fuck!!! they have no idea how much i cry because she is not mine and i have to share too!!! it drives me insane that they cant just say that she looks like neal instead of his sister!! his sister didn't have sex with the baby mama he did... i am so sick of them bringing up that they are the "blood grandparents"... i honestly don't understand how they don't see that as a slap in the face to me, and honestly my parents were the first people to know other then my best friend. they were the ones that moved their entire house upside down so this little baby had somewhere to stay with both parents so we could take this head on together from the very first night!! they were the ones that bought (and most the time still do) all of the things we needed for her!! saying that they are not blood is fucking stupid!! if they want to talk about blood then why do they treat there own son they way that they do. he asked them simply to not be friends with sages mom on face book (a simple request right?!) well we have had to have that talk twice now... its so frustrating to me for a family that feels like blood is so damn important they sure don't show it!! i am at a loss here! they don't understand what it is like for neal and i... hopefully with time!!

this has been and extreme learning experience for me! i never thought i would be a step mom in fact i always told myself i would never even date a guy who had kids because i didn't think i would be strong enough for it.. well guess what i am!! i am strong i am a step mom... i am a mom!! i have lost friends because of it but oh well i am happy i have a little lady that i adore and who adores me and a husband that is so amazing by my side!! i have it all! like it or not sage does look like me a little i think its funny and makes me feel a little like i am a parent.. i wish people would stop trying to take that away from me... you are just making me, my hubby and my future kids go farther and farther away from you!

The Dating Game!!

so Neal and i have been staying at my parents house while i get back on my feet and it has been so fun!!! i feel like we are dating again and i get even more excited for him to get home from work then i usually do!! it has been an eye opener for me to be so sick i think! i know now more then ever that Neal is the perfect man... i really dd marry my best friend!!

no more hospitals for a while please!!

well its official i just suck at blogging!! the past three months have been crazy!! i have been to the er 4 times and hospitalized for five days!! i had every test that they could possibly do and SO much blood work done. it was really scary
. the first time i went to the hospital on the 28th of June because i was throwing up and had this intense pain in my ovary and they decided that i had a cyst that was the size of a golf ball that burst (i had fluid in my abdomen so that's what they said it was)...
then two weeks later i went back because i was still throwing up and had a pain where my gallbladder used to be so they gave me pain pills and nausea meds that did nothing so two days later i was back in that time they immediately told me i was going to be kept for a while because my kidneys were shutting down since i was so dehydrated and my oxygen went into the low 70s and that is really bad for my age so i was on oxygen for all of the five days that i was there! i was getting morphine every 3 hours and phenagren(have no clue how to spell that) every 4 hours.
 they ran every test they could the second day that i was there they did two ct's one with the dye and one without. the third day they did an MRI (so scary!!). the fourth day they did a scope (where they put you under and run a camera down your throat) i stopped breathing half way through so they had to bag me for a while then when i woke up my breathing was in the 60's and i was having lots of oxygen pumped into me and there was like two doctors and three nurses around me! they also put in a picc line because all my vanes went to shit! so the 5th day they did a breathing test and lots more blood work drugged me up and sent me home with so many pills!!!! about two days after it felt like the pain moved so i called my doc and he told me to go to the er to see if it will show up on the tests now so we did but we got this worthless doctor that was a complete dick!! i had an appointment with a gastro doctor who also put in a complaint with the hospital about the doctor because it shows in my chart how much hell this has been! but anyway the gastro put me on a hard core antibiotic that has helped a ton i am starting to feel good again and i am so glad!!!
 honestly i think this was something that i really almost needed to learn who is there for me in my life and who just doesn't care! my parents were there almost the whole time! my dad was so sweet (usually he is a hard ass so i love seeing that side of him that he pretends he doesn't have) and my mom was just amazing!!! i can't ask for better parents!! my mother and father in law were also there every day they were so sweet and caring!! my cute nanna was there ever day!! jake and keisha came to see me too and jesse texted every day to check up on me!! neals siblings did the same either came to visit or called or texted!! i was so surprised by the friends that were really concerned i am thankful for the amazing people in my life!! but honestly i am most thankful for Neal he was and still is amazing with all of this!!! he was so worried about me and slept in that crappy hospital chair and snuggled me to try to keep me calm and make me feel better!! i cant imagine life without my best friend!!! he blows my mind each and every day and i fall in love more and more as the days go by!! i was super sick on his birthday and on mine and i kept telling him i was sorry and he kept saying "stop i love you" i am truly lucky!!!  we are up at my parents house for a while for a change of scenery and its much easier to let my dogs out here!! :) i love my life!!!

ok, so i know i don't blog much!! this blog is very serious! yes it totally has to do with religion and gays!! i honestly hope my in laws read this, Hopefully they can see that this is how i feel and what i believe .... so its no secret they i have a tattoo (want more) have my nose pierced, cuss like a sailor and drink better then a man! (thank you thank you!) i am not religious at all!!! (surprise...no) i feel so out of place sometimes with Neals family they are the opposite of what he is!! i know a lot of LDS members are not supporters of gays and that is their choice, that they will have to deal with in the end. but to feel like they are a better person then someone that is gay pisses me off to no end!!! i am really worried about having children because i know this is how his family is if i have a gay child i think we would run into a huge problem (i am seriously a mama bear i will tare you apart if you hurt my babies) i am one of those people that have no idea how you can base your life on a book ... seriously ...  i just don't get it i don't understand how a religion makes you a better person or your marriage right or wrong or better because you went through a temple... seriously makes no fucking sense!!! i had someone IN neals family tell me that i was missing out in life because i didn't have religion in my life and that my marriage could be so much stronger if i went through the temple...  how dare you!! i have lived my life i have been through so much more then you know!! but i have actually LIVED!!! i have had shitty relationships i have gotten so drunk that i threw up in neals room and blamed it on him!(hahaha) i have lived!!! i have had bad and good but it made me who i am today!!! i've lived life to do what i want and see and try what i wanted in life!! i think sex before marriage is smart.. sorry if that grosses you out but honestly i want to know what im going to get for the rest of my life!! (lol sorry that one is a little gross) i think people should live together a little before they get married!! i totally respect people with a religion.. good for you but for now and maybe forever i don't want to be in just one... i have my beliefs and believe in god but other then that... not much! i would not want to believe in a god that splits two people in love or a family up because they didn't go through a temple. I honestly don't believe that!! Sorry for the rant i have just been super bugged about it lately!! Neals family is absolutely amazing just not what i am used to it is honestly a learning experience and i think it will be forever! i am friends with very few of them on facebook because they don't agree with my views about equality or pro choice ( i don't mention pro choice much cuz i know it is a hard subject) and they have deleted me or taken something over a line and made me cry about something. I wish they could see why i feel the way i feel about these subjects but i know they would just judge me or take it the wrong way. I'm not sure if it is really worth it to say my opinions when they are all talking about theirs because i just seem to make someone mad for feeling they way i feel! i do have a personality that i fight for what i believe in and i don't mind talking about it but i am never going to change the way i feel i have gotten my opinion by the way i have lived life and the people i have met along the way!   ok so to end up the rant i love all of neals and my big family one day ill be understood and if not that is ok too! no matter what we are family now it is my turn to learn how to give more of my self and the times i need to bite my tongue till it bleeds!!

i know i haven't blogged for a very long time but i felt the need to blog today. on Monday 9/08/2013 this world lost an amazing lady.. my grandma woodcox. i will always remember the last conversation we had she told me how proud of me she was and that she was so glad she got to watch me become a mother and she told me that i have become a great mother ( it means the world to me that she said that) she also said how glad she was that sage was one of her great grand-kids. i will always miss my grandma she had such a great smile she really could lite up a room!! i will miss her laugh! you will always be in my heart love you and miss you!!

my favorite pics

i love these girls!!!!

ok so more about the wedding it was so great!!!i am such i lucky girl i got to look at my amazing man as i came down the aisle it was so beautiful!! i did really good i didn't cry until i hugged my mom at the end of the ceremony then we both just cried! i kept crying as i hugged my family and my best friends!! then i finally got composed and didn't cry again that day! =) it was perfect!!!! i have been looking at all the pics i got from it and i am in love with them!! the one thing that makes me sad is that i have none of my whole family cuz they didn't even bother to stay for pictures it kinda pisses me off because i stayed all the way through all of my cousins wedding/reception and they didn't bother to stay for mine and some didn't even come... oh well the people that matter were there all that matters is that i got to marry the man of my dreams and now i get to be with him for the rest of my life!!! <3

married life

omg i am married!!!! the last few weeks before the wedding it went by so fast!!!!! it was so beautiful! such an amazing day it was perfect! my bffl came into town it was so nice to see her and get to spend time with her my bridesmaids were amazing!!! i cant thank them enough for all that they did for me and neal!! best wedding party ever!!! it was such a great day and every day since then has been an adventure i love waking up to my best friend every morning! ill post pics as soon as i get them!! im so in love with my husband!!!!!

wow ok so i think we all know how much i suck at blogging!!!!! but i am getting married really soon and i am so excited i cant even stand it!!!!! we have 33 days left!!!!! ahhhhh!!!!!!!! we have been running around like crazy so this is going to be short and sweet just wanted you all to know how excited i am to marry the man of my dreams!!!! and on a side note my bffl is coming home in 27 days!!!!! ahhhhh

thankful for .....

happy thanksgiving!!!!!!!! so i do this every year i feel the need to blog about all the things i am thankful for!!

1st im going to start off with how thankful i am for neal he is so amazing we have almost been dating a year!!!! ahh so exciting and ive known him for almost five years so crazy!!!!! i love him so much and i have no idea what i would do without this amazing man by my side!!!!

2nd thing im thankful for is our beautiful baby girl sage!!! she was unexpected but she is amazing and we love her so much!!!! 

3rd im so freakin thankful for my amazing family!!!!!! all of you guys are amazing!!!!!!!!!!!  i love you all so much and look up to every single on of you!!!!!!

4th im so thankful for ashley dude i have no clue what id do without you!!!!!! you are my best friend for live!!!! you have done so much for me i could never thank you enough for all that you do!!!!!!

5th i am so thankful for neals family im so glad i am welcomed in i love you guys!!!!!

6th im thankful for all the mistakes Ive made!!! i have learned something from each and every one of them!!!! with all that Ive learned i also think they have made me what i am today!!!!

i am so thankful for my family and friends!!! i love you all so much!!!!!!

new news!!!

so this month i have gotten some news that at first was really hard to think about!! but i think it is settled with me now and now im excited!!! haha i bet your all thinking im pregnant hahaha nope no baby in my belly!!! but it does have to do with a baby!!! about a month ago one a Wednesday neal got a call from someone he used to date she said i need to talk to you so he went and talked to her and she told him that she had a kid. time added up when they were together.. so he came to my house and told me the news. At first i broke down and couldn't stop crying... i asked him where that left us and he said " sam we are still getting married you are the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with" so of course i cried more!!!! the thought kept rolling into my head of him being with someone else and the thought of him holding his baby that i didn't have a part of making.. it hurt... but after about an hour of crying i started laughing uncontrollably he asked what was so funny and i told him we could totally be on the maury show!!!! ( i've always wanted to be on that show cuz i think its really funny!!!) he then started laughing too!!! then he asked if i was mad so i told him the truth "im sad but not mad it was your past i cant be mad at something in your past"!! we both told each other how much we love each other and hugged for a long time!!! we got him in for a paternity  test and waited about two weeks for the results they came back and sure enough neal has a little girl!! we got to meet her on friday she is adorable!!!! neal and i are together in this!!! i am proud to be a stepmom and i love neal with my whole heart!!! i know we can get though this together i am so thankful for neal and i am excited for the challenges that are going to be down the road. no matter what its neal and i forever!!! i love my fiance!!! i cant wait to marry him!!! <3

sage 4 months old

so i have been looking for a new job for what feels like forever!!! the search is over!! i am now a teachers aide for a kindergarten class for a school in American Fork!!!!! im so excited!!! i think this will be a job that im great and and one that i'll love!!! what im even more excited for is that this will help me and neal be able to get to our goals faster!!! im hoping we can either move up our wedding date up or at least get an apartment and move out sooner!!!!! yay for a job!!!! im so thankful that i have a man in my life that supports me in everything i do!! i love him with all of my heart!!!!! he is my best friend and i cant wait to marry him!!!!!