Me!

So as most of you know I've been trying to loose weight!! It makes me feel so good to go work out and it really is helping!! I'm so ready to be skinny!!! I don't think I'm huge or anything like that but I've always been bigger then the skinny mini girls and honestly it's the one thing that makes me SO insecure!! It's hard being a big girl I don't talk about it much but it's really hard!! It's mostly in my mind but I can't help but think what if I was skinny or what if I looked like that? What would be different would I still have gone for the douche bags I uses to go for? Would I be where I am now? It's been hard growing up bigger I mean getting called fat all the time it sucks there for I'm doing something about it I'm done feeling like I'm not as good as other girls cuz I'm not a size 0 so I'm doing crossfit I'm not sure if you can tell or not but I'm down 13 lbs 25 more to go for me to be thrilled at where I'm at!! :) I know I can do this!! :) time for me to change for the better!!!

my ashley!!

haha sorry ashley i know you read my blog i just needed to blog about you!!! you are the best friend a girl could ask for i would be married and divorced twice if it wasnt for you bringing me back to reality!! you such an amazing person!! honestly your a great influence on me!! thank you for all of the adventures we have even if we don't have friends i still think we are fun!! =)

puppy madness!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have a new baby girl!!! a little lab puppy she is so damn cute!!!! we named her odette!!! like princess odette off of swan princess =P i think she is the cutest thing ever when ever i have a bad day she cuddles with me and i feel all better =) she is amazing!!!!  i love my baby girl!!

HE'S MORE OF A MAN THEN YOU'LL EVER BE AND I'M MORE OF A WOMAN THEN YOU'LL EVER GET!

I'm so friggin bugged its crazy!!! why cant he leave me alone... he is not my thing to take care of anymore!! im over him im moving on to much better things!! i don't want an guy that cant put anything but himself first!! i can do so much better hell i deserve so much better then that!! all he ever did was put me down and make my life hell i am going to get someone so much better!!! =) he is gone im hoping he will move far away i may get my wish haha i sure hope so!! =P i wish nothing bad on him but i do wish he would just leave me the hell alone i put up with way to much of his shit so now that im gone he realizes what he let walk away!!!

I'm so much happier without him i feel great and take every day as it comes!! im doing great looking for a good job and hanging out with my best friend all the time. its nice to feel like i have a life again!! =) im glad i left him and i thank god every freakin day that i don't deal with that shit anymore!!!!! =) ok im done bitching now!! =) sorry for those who read this lol =P

well then...

as most of you already know im single yet again!!! yup engagement off! turns out he is just not right for me. nothing against him but im so glad im done with that!! i think the hardest part was leaving his family!! i loved his parents they were so great!!!
   I am so much closer to my family now!! me and my dad actually laugh again!!! its so much fun i love it i have the best family in ever!!! =P
   I feel good about myself again im finding guys that like me and tell me how much fun i am and im back to fun me!!! it feels amazing to have people telling me im pretty!! Im so glad im back to feeling pretty im working out and getting ready even if im not doing anything!!! =)
   My life is changing at first it was really hard to loose jordan cuz i felt like i was loosing everything at once first my dog now my fiance, but im feeling really confident in the fact that i made the right choice not just because he wont leave me alone but im finding i laugh like i used to i have friends like i used to i have my family back!!! I made him my whole world and he made no one else in it!! im glad i was strong enough to get out of it and im so so so thankful for ashley anderson  i don't know what you do lady but when im in a bad spot you can pull me back!! no matter what you are my best friend!!! and thank you to amber smith!! you showed me how bad it really was!! and last but not least a big thanks to my family for putting up with my shit!!! i love you guys so much!!!!! day by day it gets easier and better! i hope nothing but the best for him!! i have no bad feeling towards him! but im so glad im out of it!! on to a guy who can see what i truly am!! =)

My PeRsOn!!!!!!! My BaBy!!!

Most people have another person that they depend on as greys anatomy says your "PERSON" well my persons name was Hayley she was black and had four legs! she has had kidney failure for about two years. she was three and a half when she had to be put to sleep. i cant get myself back into the hang of life without her! For any one who knew Hayley they instantly loved her!! she was the most lovable fun amazing dog in the world!! she could make a day that was the worst turn into the best! she was my world my first child ha ha i took her everywhere! when she was a puppy i stayed home with her all summer! i bounded with her more then I've ever bounded with any one or thing! i told her all my secrets and she never once thought anything bad about me never judged me! i was hands down her favorite!! she would mouth my hand when i walked through the door made me feel so loved!! now i walk in the door and all i feel is empty!! her last week of life i decided to move out on a whim with no where to go and no money you could see her heart breaking when i left i begged her to stay alive cuz i needed her still i balled as i drove away and saw her little brown eyes look at me and pouting on the window seal! well about four days later i got a call saying that they flushed her kidneys again and she was not doing good she was back from the vet and i knew i needed to go home and be there for her like she was always there for me! so i swallowed my pride and came home! she did not get up to see anyone so i got told as soon as i walked in the door she got up and ran over to me and welcomed me like she usually did!! i got her to eat a little too!! then the next day i was gone most the day and i came home to try to feed her a little and i got her to eat five dog treats and we all had hope that she could pull out of this if she would just eat!! that night as i tucked her in on the floor i told her how much i loved her and how important she is to me and how she has taught me so much and got me through so much in my life i told her i loved her as i started to cry and she licked my face as if to say its ok and she will be ok! i kissed her on the head and laid by her for a few minutes then got on my bed and started watching greys anatomy on my laptop around 11:30 that night she started seizing i threw my laptop off my lap and ran down  the hall way into my parents room and yelled Hayley is having a seizure!! as they ran down the hall way to my room i leaned against the wall and cried then gained composure to go and try to talk her out of it. watching her shake like that killed me inside and broke my heart!! it was the most scary thing i have ever seen!!! she seized for about five min which means she prolly would have been brain dead as mom and dad went to go throw clothes on i held her and again told her how much she has changed me and helped me and how much i love her!! and begged her to watch over me always!! my mom and dad rushed her to the vet as i walked back in the door i made it to the chair she always laid in and fell to my knees and just cried!!! i called Jordan crying hysterically!! while we were on the phone my brother Jake and his girlfriend Keisha pulled up i ran out to the front step and felt my knees get all wobbly they felt like jello Jake rushed to me and held me tight and told me it was all going to be alright as i told him the story i remember i kept saying how scary it was and that i didn't know what to do!! we sat there for about twenty minutes when mom and dad walked in and said she didn't make it we all cried!! she was and always will be my best friend i miss her every day some days are harder then others!! but i know she is in a better place! i love you hay and i always will!!

i know some of you may think I'm dumb for this blog because she was just a "DOG" but to me she was everything!!! R.I.P. Hayley may woodcox!!! mama loves and missed you!!

MY RANDOM LIFE!!!!!

So i have been hanging out with McKayla i love her freakin face she makes me giggle i drove her car it was pretty bomb!! I want a cute fun car like that! Sure hope i get enough hours at work i can get a car haha so my boyfriend plays wow i am thinking about starting to play for those of you who have no idea what wow is ... world of warcraft!! lol if i start playing im pretty sure i wont get out of it!!! ugh so my new job is a little crazy i feel bad cuz they leave me alone to close so a bunch of people have to come help me haha but oh well it will get better!! =)